lauds

I sat beside you on your bed, invoked the Holy Presence and murmured it under my breath. When I saw that look of affirmation I knew you wanted me to speak louder. It wasn't that I was shy to say the prayer with you with other people in the opposite side of the room. I just wanted to share the moment with you like that last time when I went home for the weekend. We chanted the Lauds together. I knew that made you happy. I was joyful to share that moment with you.

As I read the psalm, still in a low voice so no one else can hear but just you and me, I couldn't help but look at you as I mouthed the words from the psalmist. If only you could speak to tell me something, but I understand, each word you muster would take your breath away so easily. Instead I saw that look of affection in your eyes. My heart wept.

I never got to finish the rest of the morning prayers with you. I was too shy to share that intimate moment with other people in the room. The nurses also came in to do their routine health check - what a lame excuse.

There's that pang of regret on why I couldn't finish it or why I couldn't recite it louder or even chant those prayers for you. I can tell myself now that every time I chant the Lauds and give glory to our Lord at the start of the day, I know I will share it with you.

But it will never be the same as having you say the prayers me. It will never be the same as saying them with you even if you just breathed the words of praise to our Lord with me as I tightly held your hand.

someone understands

There are times when we feel we are restless because of too many things pouncing on us. Too many things to do, too many things to be done and too many things to just even think of.

When life is pulling you from all directions, all you just want to do is teleport to a secluded place and *poof* hopefully things just stay quiet for a while. Sadly, this isn't just the case. Yes, you might find a way to physically isolate yourself from the chaos but this is only to find yourself still restless and unable to get that peace you imagined. This was because even if the chaos from the world was eliminated, what wasn't was the restlessness and the chaos which was inside of you in the first place.

I find this realization sad. Imagine, you take all those measures to get that peace you've always wanted, think that you've finally got it, only to discover that it's just not going to happen! At this point, you just feel helpless that sometimes you either just resign and go back to the busy world burying yourself in work and all other activities or stay in that secluded space you've picked out, yet still do nothing to address these things - in a state of limbo.

This story is a familiar one as I read a passage from the ministry of Jesus:

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Mt 9:35)

As I repeated the passage over and over, I was struck with the phrase: he had compassion for them. During these moments of confusion, it's but wonderful to realize that there is someone who cares for us and understands us in our helplessness. When we think no one understands how we feel, we're wrong. When we think that we're all alone in our mess, we're wrong. There is someone up there that we can talk to who understands exactly where we are in our lives and how we feel.

I can just imagine how many people today find themselves in cases where they are just piled up with so many things that sometimes leave them helpless and confused. Count me in as one of them. I do not claim to have the answer to address that feeling of being lost. Hey, as I said, I'm part of the club. What I can claim is this - we are not alone. You are never alone.

In response to Jesus's compassion, he addressed his apostles to pray for the Lord of the Harvest to send laborers into this harvest. We can do just that - beyond just praying, we can be the laborers of this harvest ourselves. Hey, Jesus never said that the laborers be perfect themselves. In these times of restlessness, yes, it may be the perfect time to fix yourself and get that self-recovery that you need. These may be the times as well when you can understand others more and serve them. In the sincere effort to help them out, the Lord can grant the grace of clarity in your own life. This is my prayer for you and for all of us.

Is there anything I can help you with?

more today than yesterday

The beauty of music is that it's personal. It's up to the listener's interpretation and it strikes a chord within us based on the experiences that we have. It's a very effective tool to use for reflection and even prayer.

I remember how once in a silent retreat a spiritual director shared the song Grenade by Bruno Mars to the group of students. He asked how it would mean to the group if Jesus were the one singing it. The group had a good laugh at the thought!

This is the same with the song below from the oldies band, Spiral Staircase (I picked out Bruno's cover for this post though). A mentor of mine shared a prayer which is from the song and here I am sharing my prayer with you. I hope you say it with me every day.

 

Lord, grant me the grace to love You more today than yesterday. 

coming before Him

I used to think that prayer was like leaving God a voice message over the phone. When I was a kid, there was a time when I struggled to think about how God could listen to each and every prayer being said and answer them accordingly. I could recall how it was in a movie where Jim Carrey's character, assuming God's role for a certain period, strained to organize all prayer requests and even thought of doing it through e-mail!

Now, I am just amazed at the mystery of how God works in our lives. He dwells in us (1 Cor 3:16). He is in the innermost part of our beings and we need only to come before Him as we are. I realized this tonight as I was struggling to center myself in prayer. I remembered how a spiritual director of mine taught me to be real with myself by knowing how and where I was before I came into prayer - how was I feeling emotionally, physically, mentally? This was what I did and I recognized how I was physically exhausted coming from weeks jam-packed with activities during and outside of work. It made me realize a lot of things, one of which was how God sustained me throughout the weeks, and this helped me to get myself into prayer.

Sometimes we focus too much on talking to Him instead of being with Him. God is with us when we talk to Him. He prays with us if we allow Him to. Praying with Him can only happen when we recognize not only His presence but also ours, and  recognizing our presence means being aware of where we are at the moment, how we are feeling and knowing whatever baggage we are carrying.

Prayer is a conversation with God.

Ang buhay natin ay parang bahay na naka-lock - nabubuksan lamang mula sa loob. Si Hesus ay nasa labas, naghihintay. Nasa atin na ang pagbubukas ng pinto upang Siya'y makapasok nang lubusan.

(Life is like a house locked from the inside. Jesus is at the door, just waiting. It is up to us to open the door and welcome Him so that He may go inside.)

- Fr. Allan, St. Andrew the Apostle Parish

the inner room

We have plenty of those moments when we just want to get away from the busyness of life, go into a room and lock ourselves in. We just want to be in that faraway island or in that sanctuary where we can find peace away from all distractions. It is where we can just be with ourselves. If only we can. The thing is, we can; we can, if we choose to.

Personally, I found this very hard to do.  For a long time I've always wanted to carve out time to just be alone and reflect on things. It is in my prayer time that I find the comfort and peace amid all the pressure and busyness of life and I've always struggled to establish that sacred time to be with the Lord. At times, I still struggle.

Recently in one of my walks to the office, I was stopped dead in my tracks by something and was compelled to share it with friends in Facebook.

"We need not climb mountains nor swim the depths of the seas to appreciate the beauty nature has to offer.
Sometimes we just have to go to work!"

Sometimes we struggle too much to get away from our busy lives and 'escape reality' for a bit that we fail to remember that it is in the middle of all of it that we can find our peace. I was reminded of just that when I saw this flower that I just passed by and ignored daily for months! Yes, we deserve and need those out-of-town long vacations, but it is also in moments such as the one I experienced above that I believe we are refreshed and reconnected with ourselves. It is in these moments that we are sustained daily.

But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. (Mt 6:6)

In the passage above, Jesus reminds us to pray in spirit and in truth to our Father. It is in the inner room, into our innermost being that we can connect and be with Him. We can do this not just by physically isolating ourselves from the world but also by just being in the world.

thankful Thursdays

This is not a new movement. This occurred to me a while back and I realized it was impossible if nobody else thought about it. True enough, if you search online, Thursday is not only becoming a day when people uncover the wackiest throwback pictures from the past but also a day when they flesh out the wonderful things that are happening in the present.

It's hard enough to go over an ordinary day and find the good things one is thankful for, what more on a day riddled with stress, struggles or emptiness. Nevertheless, I hope starting this series of posts will get me to continue to find God and His goodness in everything in every moment of every day.

I am thankful I woke up on time despite my recent difficulty to sleep earlier at night.
I am thankful for safe trips to and from work.
I am thankful to have had a productive mindset at work today given my lack of nourishment and sleep.
I am thankful that my current workplace has a chapel that celebrates mass daily where I can receive the Sacrament of the Eucharist.
I am thankful for His assurance that He is with us and that He answers our pleas.
I am thankful that the office hours at work allot break times in the morning and afternoon which gave me windows to get some shut-eye and recover a bit earlier today.
I am thankful for jolly colleagues that kept me alive throughout the day.
I am thankful for a stress-free day that gave me the opportunity to go home early to get some rest.
I am thankful for a heart that is open and honest to feelings of regret and frustration amid personal challenges.
I am thankful for a generous brother, a caring and patient father, and a brave and strong mother.
I am thankful for a strong relationship within my family despite the distance among us.
I am thankful for the time spent with Him today to just listen and thank Him for His wonderful gifts.

I end today with a grateful heart. I hope you will too. What are you thankful for today? 

"There is always something to pray about...Until you die, you always have a past 24 hours..." - Dennis Hamm, SJ